Tutorials in Bassness
by sillykiwi
Summary: The boys are locked in a room with a TV, laser pointer, shame corner, and Macey McHenry as a teacher. Subject? Chuck Bass. "We get it. He's Chuck Bass. I'm Zach Goode, you're Macey McHenry. He's Jonas Nakamura, and over there? Yeah. That's Grant Newman."


**Tutorials in Bass-ness  
**Summary - The boys are locked in a room with a TV, laser pointer, shame  
corner, oh, and Macey McHenry as a teacher. Subject? Chuck Bass.  
**

* * *

**

"Figure A," Macey said, pointing to the wall with a hairbrush. "Chuck Bass." She waited for a reaction from the three boys sitting on the floor below her.

"Uh, who the hell is Chuck Bass?" Grant raised his hand and asked Macey.

Her eyes widened and she gasped, pointing to the corner of the room, "Go sit in the corner of shame. What kind of stupid question is that?"

Jonas looked at the figure, "He seems like a richer version of Zach."

Zach looked from the board and stared at him, "Are you saying I'm poor?" He wasn't angry at Jonas or anything, he was just amused out of his mind.

Jonas shook his head, "No. Simply saying he has more than you do."

Macey nodded and clicked her laser pointer on, changing the screen, the title reading, "Biography", she cleared her throat and started, "Charles Bartholomew Bass, commonly know as Chuck, was born on the Upper East Side of New York to Misty and Bartholomew Bass. Both of whom are deceased."

Zach stared at the photo, "We are kind of alike."

Macey flipped through a few pictures, "He's the hottest thing ever created. It looks like he was created by the gods."

"Hey! I thought that was ME!" Grant huffed from his corner.

"Only if there was Gorilla God," Macey said. "Moving on. I have gathered, edited, and put together some of Chuck's best moments-" she clicked her laser pointer and a video popped up. "-here." She clicked play.

"Wait, this Chuck dude is on a TV show?" Grant cried from his corner, as the video started.

Macey ignored him and turned up the volume. "I'm Chuck Bass," blasted from strategically placed speakers around the room. "So you decided to come to Basscave?" Macey smiled dreamily. Her favorite one was coming up. "I'm not Chuck Bass without you."

She squealed and flipped to another clip, "Dude, she said she's fine." "Dude, I'm Chuck Bass."

Zach gave an irritated sigh and rubbed his temples, "Yes. We get it. He's Chuck Bass. I'm Zach Goode, you're Macey McHenry. He's Jonas Nakamura, and over there? Yeah. That's Grant Newman."

She scowled, "Some people like to talk in third person."

Jonas tilted his head, "If he's on a TV show? Why do you like him? It's not like he's real or anything."

Macey gasped and pointed to the corner. "Go. Sit. Think about what you just said. Until then, you are so not worthy of Chuck Bass," Macey told him.

Jonas muttered "Thank God."

Macey hit him on the head with her laser pointer. Jonas scowled and sat in the corner with Grant.

The video continued. "Three words, eight letters-"

"WHOA," Grant called from the corner. "Who's she? She's hot!"

Macey sighed impatiently, "That's his girlfriend, Blair."

Grant grinned, "Damn. That Chuck's one lucky Bastard."

Macey smiled, "Which brings me to my next point." Click. The next slide read, "Nicknames."

Zach, being the only one left of the floor, stared at the screen and muttered, "Fuck. My. Life."

"Motherchucker is the most commonly used one," Macey said. "Closely followed by Basshole, closely followed by Basstard."

"Hey, I have one," Grant said from the corner. "Fag-got."

Macey glared at Grant. Grant winced from the sheer iciness and sharpness of her eyes.

"Nice going, Newman," Zach said sarcastically.

"Hey, I have one," Jonas said, looking serious. "Zach-ass."

"Hey!" Zach cried from the floor.

Macey stared for a second, then doubled up in laughter. "Jonas, you may remove yourself from the corner of shame," she said.

"Oh, fuck," Jonas mumbled.

Grant turned around and laughed, pointing at him, "Hah, sucks to be you, loser."

Macey glared and twirled her finger, "Turn around, you aren't worthy of the Bass-ness."

Grant pouted, "Aw, I think my heart just broke a little," he sighed and shrugged, "Ah, well. I'll get over it."

Zach raised his hand, "May I go to the corner of shame? I'm not worthy of his Bass-ness either."

"Actually, Zach, out of all three of you morons, you're the Chuck-est," Macey said cheerfully. Zach wilted. "We can totally work on it. I mean, you have a problem with commitment, and you uh, have brown hair. If you were hot you might be a little bit like Chuck."

"Hey!" Zach cried again. "Cammie thinks I'm hot," he muttered.

"Cammie thinks anyone who looks like Josh is hot," Macey told him matter-of-factly.

"BURN!" Grant yelled from the corner.

"Don't say I look like that-" Zach tried to think of a word.

Macey got bored. "Next!" She clicked the pointer. Jonas and Zach both swore in six different languages.

Grant turned around. "What? What is it?"

The next slide was titled "Clothes".

Three minutes later Zach and Jonas were staring at the screen dry-eyed and irritated, "If I see another freaking scarf, I'm going to shoot myself." Zach muttered.

Jonas was confused, "Why does he were so much PURPLE?"

Macey shrugged, "It means majestic."

Zach scoffed, "No, it doesn't. You don't even know what majestic means."

Macey rolled her eyes. "Uh, having or displaying great dignity or nobility, duh."

Zach turned to Jonas. "Evidently she knows what majestic means."

"Yeah, no shit," Jonas said back.

Macey changed the slide again.

"No," Jonas said immediately.

"Hell no," Zach echoed.

Grant twisted around and read the title. "Oh, for fuck's sake, McHenry."

"How to be like Chuck Bass" was the title of the next slide. Macey clapped her hands together and smiled brightly. "This is going to be fun, guys!"

"I'd rather be locked in a room held hostage by the Circle of Cavan." Zach said dryly.

Macey ignored him and read the first bullet, "First. You have to be hot, maybe we can put you in the CIA lab and have them work on it."

Zach and Jonas glared her and Grant glared at the wall. She shrugged, "Just because my friends see something in you three doesn't mean I do."

"Well, you guys have the whole private school thing down, and Zach has the dead parents thing going on. Neither of you are manwhores. Damn….."

"Yeah, because I like my life." Grant muttered.

"And all of you are like, poor, so you can't hire hookers," Macey said, tapping her finger on her chin. She shrugged and continued reading the bullet points. "You have to have a really soothing voice."

"I'm Chuck Bass" blared from the strategically placed speakers again. "See how soothing that was?" Macey commented. "So, Grant, your voice annoys the hell out of me, Jonas, you use too many long words, and Zach..." She trailed off and tapped her chin again. "This is going to be harder than I thought."

"Maybe you should trash the idea," Grant suggested.

Zach agreed, "Seriously. McHenry, there's probably a reason why all of us have girlfriends. And why you DON'T have a boyfriend."

Macey glared and pointed to the corner.

Zach smiled triumphantly. Success at last.

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**kiwi here. wasn't this just EPIC? i think it was pretty freaking epic. like, epic wow how epic.**

things to know/review questions:  
-jonas is indeed asian. that is indeed epic.  
-chuck bass... :D  
-gossip girl is on a hiatus! until march! RAH!  
-your favorite quote. we made sure there were a lot of them. because we're epic. yeah. we're also extremely full of ourselves (see profile)

**i would put an ending quote, but i bet you'll know what it is already. (hint: begins with an "i'm" and ends with "chuck bass")**

_BASS!_


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